cruising...

so i'm cruising now...

Its been an eventful, soulful summer.
I have traveled many back roads and many side streets. and every moment was worth while.

There is a new clarity in my being and I am so grateful I have taken this time for Creative Sabatical. Its not quite over, but I have definitely felt a shift. Theres a little more work to be done now. and I am ready for the process...

my identity

I laugh at my own identity quite often. who am I ?!?

I am a core center with many outlying extremes.

I have been traveling my extremes this summer ... mostly on the insdie.
its a summer time thing i think. body alive. body opening up. sucking in more air. running harder and faster in the sun.

one of things i like to do is lay down in the sunshine and dream about possibilities. and warmer weather makes me feel free and naked, and i am back in that place of imagining...

who am i?
what can i be? trying on different degrees of existence.
sometimes i feel soft. flowing river. sometimes i feel edgy. stronger. sometimes i feel ready to fight.
sometimes i am quiet. i can laugh so loud too. i can be sentimental and full of love.
and sometimes i feel like i can barely scrape the scabs off my wounded existence to get to the healed and whole essence of who i really am

its not the long hair
the color of my face after running
its not even the way i have to shave my legs every single day or go itchy crazy
its not my office with all its trinkets and colorful things
or my closet that is almost always messy.
not my fingernails which go from long and painted red to short with dirt under the edges from paint or pulling weeds from my garden
its really not any of these things
its not all the things i want to try on still
its not the super short hair, red again and curly
not the homemade skirts with a thousand pockets
its not the motorcycle i want but have never driven
its not the paintings i have never painted
its not the candles i have never lit


its my core
and the core of you that overlaps in me
every one of you
overlapping into me
and making me delighted
puzzled pieces changing places and rearranging our pictures


each moment i accept a new version of me
the one that gushes up to the surface
and i kiss it

i try to embrace it but it disappears
each moment that i discover another side of me
ready to explore

and i try to let go of any expectations to be anything but who i want to be in this very moment
and that is probably my greatest challenge
to just be who i want me to be
but i am
sloathing off all the outside influences
and letting my breath create
each next moment
each expression
of my
identity

You have to feel it...

Dreams are little visions that parade across the mind's eye.
tiny pictures which point arrows towards the paths i can take on this journey.
When I get attached to a certain vision... then I start to remember it over and over.

giving the options of unfolding a little more grace in my mind...
working out the kinks, playing with the options.

but sometimes the vision starts to fade
the details get hazy and the purpose of the dream is no longer alive

this is when its time to pause a moment

you have to feel it
and today thats what I am doing... i'm trying to connect with the emotions that make up all my dreams.
what is it that we really long for?
what is it that we are reaching out to experience????

because its not in any THING
its not in any PERSON
its in me already.
and i just have to FEEL it.
remember it.
wrap it around me


you realllly have to feel it in your body. in your being.
in your frame of mind.

otherwise its just a motion. repetition. boredom. lifeless attention to detail.

and thats not where you feel alive.


....
lately i have noticed that distractions are everywhere around me
soaking up my attention and leading me away from my visions
but thats ok.
thats summer .... and i like summer for this reason.

but today i am feeeeeeling all my dreams and reconnecting to what i want for my life.